I encountered a situation today that got me thinking.
I was talking to a friend about a completely banal topic. It was basically just that she sent me a picture of a couple of horses while she was out for a walk.

We were talking about how we both like horses and also that I used to be a member of a riding club.
To that, she said:

What haven’t you actually done?

That got me thinking a bit. This statement, although completely harmless in essence, reminded me of something I’ve noticed among my friends for a while.
I often and happily talk about my past, about my former hobbies or experiences, and I have the feeling that it often comes across as if I’m trying to brag about them.

This feeling isn’t triggered by me reflecting on it myself, but rather by hearing it from others. Or at least, that’s how I perceive it.

Again, her statement as such was by no means meant to be negative. But it’s this blunt manner that keeps bothering me. I believe, without exaggerating, that the many accounts of my past experiences have led people around me to feel like I’m an incredibly experienced or even arrogant person.

Although, from my own perspective, at least the first point is definitely not true. Of course, like many others, I’ve experienced one thing or another, but what I don’t think comes across well about me is: I was never someone who pursued something to perfection. I tried many things, but rarely actually followed through – and that’s exactly what often gets lost in my stories.

Perhaps this is the real misunderstanding: that experiences and experiences quickly seem bigger in stories than they were in reality – and that listeners then rush to judgment. And even though this is a very general topic, in my experience it also applies very much to the IT sector.

When repeated statements become boasting

I worked at Blizzard for 7 years

~Jason Thor Hall aka PirateSoftware on Twitch

This is a statement that PirateSoftware, or Thor, has repeatedly made in his streams. Especially in the past.

And even if this statement is true, I’ve often read posts about it in which the authors have complained about his “arrogance” or “presumption.”^{1 2} At this point, it’s certainly possible to ask why one should feel attacked by such a statement from someone on the internet.

But that would be a rabbit hole I don’t want to dive into at this point. And I’m not interested in discussing the validity of the “arrogance” accusations here.
In my opinion, the example of PirateSoftware perfectly illustrates how quickly a statement that is actually just information or a fact can slip into the realm of arrogance.

In context, one must consider that Thor often answers questions in his streams with up to 10,000 viewers, often drawing on his experience at Blizzard to convey a certain level of expertise.
And I’ve also noticed over time that when I repeatedly mention certain experiences to my friends, they are often perceived as “blather” or “bragging.” Even though, at least so far, no one has openly told me that they feel that way.

Sender or Receiver?

It’s interesting to observe how the perception of statements depends heavily on perspective. From my perspective, I simply have a small pool of experiences, and whenever we talk about a topic related to that, I bring those experiences up. Or because my friends know me by now, they mention them on their own.

But from the perspective of my friends, or even viewers, it can quickly seem like I’m trying to show off. As if I wanted to put myself in the spotlight again.

But now comes the crux of the matter: How do I convey that I don’t want to be the center of attention at all, but simply want to share my experiences? Or are we, myself included, simply too caught up in our own perceptions? Are we perhaps measuring ourselves too closely based on what others say about themselves, forgetting that everyone has their own experiences?

So is it a sender or receiver problem? Or maybe even both? I’m nowhere near intelligent enough to answer such a rather philosophical question. But I think it’s important to think about it.

Your own perception

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve always been very content with being just average. In the past, I liked to call myself “John Doe” because I was simply average at everything, and I still am today in my own eyes. I never had great ambitions to be the best at anything; I just wanted to learn new things and, at a minimum, ensure that the people around me weren’t disappointed with my performance or with me. Success or great achievements have tended to put me off because they, in turn, raise higher expectations in others, which I fear I won’t be able to fulfill.

Of course, one could then question why I would want to stream, for example, if I don’t want to be the center of attention or am afraid of being too successful. But for me, the certainty is simply there that I’ll never become so big that I really have to worry about it. As a furry and a developer, my streams will disappear into two niches that don’t make me particularly interesting to a broad audience. And this blog, for example, is set up in such a way that hardly anyone will read it. Basic SEO, no mailing lists or social media promotion.

Perception by others

But back to my friend and her statement. I believe it’s important to be aware of how our own experiences and stories are perceived by others.

The same friend said to me some time ago:

I’ve often thought about Skorar that he’s just blabbering […]

After that, it was about how my stories have often turned out to be true, but the first part of that statement is the interesting part for me. I think this is one of the few times in my entire life that someone has more or less directly told me that they perceive my stories as “blabber.” And that got me thinking. And to be honest, it also hurt me a bit. Of course, she clarified it right away, but how many people around me have the same thoughts without coming to the same conclusion?

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to force everyone to believe what I say. But it is very important to me that I can convey what I say sensibly. And if people perceive my statements as “blubber,” then I’ve obviously done something wrong in that regard.

How often, for example, does it come through that I’m a complete failure when it comes to things like design? That I’m simply not good at working in a team? That I’m often not as reliable as I’d like to be?

That I’ve been declared bankrupt for a reason? That I haven’t been able to maintain many relationships, be they friendships or romantic relationships? That I often resorted to untruths in my youth to make myself look better?

I understand for myself that this is definitely a problem on my part. Because if I don’t communicate these things to the same extent as my “cool” experiences, then it’s no wonder I’m perceived as “arrogant.”

Why good stories often seem arrogant

To bring this topic to a close, I’d like to draw my conclusion here.

I believe that good stories often seem arrogant because they usually deal with successes or special experiences. These stories are often exciting and entertaining, but they can also give the impression that the narrator is putting themselves at the center. This is because in our society, we often value success and achievement above everything else. When someone talks about their successes, it is quickly perceived as boasting, even if it isn’t meant that way.

The problem is that we often forget that behind every story there is a person who has had these experiences. And that person may also have experienced failures, doubts, and fears. But who is responsible for changing perceptions? Sender or receiver?

This blog post is something that lies outside of my originally planned topics. But since I found myself in this situation today, I just wanted to write it down. Maybe the topic is completely uninteresting, or I’m simply not coming to a conclusion that makes sense. But I hope this at least provides some food for thought that might be of interest to others as well.

Best regards
Skorar